Food! Glorious Food!

I don't think it ia any surprise that I love food. Last night I went out with my hubby for a much needed date for our 5th anniversary. We went to a lovely restaurant downtown and so enjoyed our meal! It was yummy! I don't know if you would call me a foodie, but I might be.

Thing is, once again, I feel like my love/hate relationship with food has returned for the time being. In my 28th week I was once again diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I have to say though that my numbers are not near as high as they were the first time around. And instead of going straight to insulin to bring my numbers down we are going to try and control them with food. This is good. Thing is I hate being told what I can and cannot eat. Hum - reminds me of someone little I know! (Apple = tree in this case).

I don't know why but this time around, either because I am more aware of the complications that GD can cause with the baby and me, or simply because I have been down this road before, I feel more confident to do this without insulin this time. It could also be because my numbers are not near as high too.

I also think because I have been through this once, I have been better prepared and have asked better questions. For instance - my elevated fast number - why is that happening when I can get the rest under control by morning snack. Is it because I am not eating enough carb and protein at night, during the day? How does undereating my carbs allocations impact my numbers and my body? How does exercise impact overall? I did find out that just 5-10 minutes of exercise right after breakfast will help to bring down my morning numbers and with just 30 to 40 minutes a day I can also help to bring my fasting numbers lower too. This is good to know, and yes, the good thing is that chasing a 2 year old around does count as activity!!! :) Still, 5-10 minutes after breakie, when you aren't awake is tough to do.

I have definitely seen lower numbers with just three days of more regular exercise but my mornings are still a little high. I am working at trying to figure out the best combination of food at night and then food for breakfast to stay under my 7.8. Caffeine first thing is out because that can actually hold onto sugar thus elevating my numbers at breakfast. As coffee is my after breakfast treat, peppermint tea helps me greet the day!

Yes I can't have exactly what I want when I want it right now but that is okay. I can still have the occassional treat. It is just really hard to say no when all those iddy biddy chocolate bars are hanging out in the stores for Halloween. Even though they still call out to me when I walk by, "Sheila, oh Sheila, I am over here"! I just pretend they are talking to someone else in the store!

At the end of September, we had some shots taken of Sophie for her 2nd Birthday October 2, 2010. Here are just some of the photos.

A Day of Thanksgiving

I believe I am a very thankful person. I appreciate the life we have, the friends, the family, my incredible hubby and my precious daughter. The allergy scare that we experienced the Sunday of Thanksgiving, around noon, has made me sit back and relish just how lucky we are.

So Sunday, I was making dessert (yummy, yummy Black Bottom Dessert) to take to my family's Thanksgiving Dinner at my brothers. My little helper had just had her lunch and was getting ready for her nap. She had been helping my make the dessert in the morning, so the step stool that she had been standing on to supervise was still in its place waiting for her return. She came to see how I was progressing on dessert and decided while there to taste what mommy had made. When I saw her licking the beater's I wasn't worried - only contained butter, icing sugar, eggs and vanilla. It was as I was finishing the clean up, and I heard her start to cough a lot that I realized there was something going on. By the time I turned to look at her (2-3 minutes tops) she was starting to break out in hives and was starting to have problems breathing.

Needless to say the next few minutes are a bit of a blur - I ran to get the Benadryl to give her as she wasn't to the point where I needed to administer her Epi-pen. I tried to get her to take the Benadryl, which didn't work and then then the vomiting started. Okay - get it out of your system that is good was all I could think. Still once that was done you could tell she was still having problems breathing. So at this point I called my hubby, told him what was happening and that I was taking her to the hospital. I wasn't playing around with this.

As we were leaving she seemed better, though kept scratching at her neck because it was itchy and bugging her (hives). On the way to the hospital, the vomit started again (remember I am pregnant and in an enclosed space) and this one dwarfed the first, but she got everything out of her system that time. By the time we got to the hospital (which thankfully wasn't busy at all) she seemed a thousand times better. Still, we were there, might as well get her checked.

I am truly thankful that we have a leading class Children's Hospital in our town. Our doctor, the staff and most of the nurses at the hospital were great - though stumped by what had caused this. Considering she seemed back to normal by the time we got in and got checked out! I figured we were being labelled as overprotective parents until . . .well the one look the nurse gave me as I ate a Larabar while we waited, told the whole story.

You know when you meet someone who you can just tell doesn't like you, even if you have never met that person before. Well that was the sense I got from this nurse yesterday.

You have to remember, all this took place over the lunch hour, so guess who didn't get to eat - 28 weeks pregnant and not eating (not even thinking about the Gestational Diabetes aspect) just don't go together. To me the Larabar was a saviour at the bottom of my purse.

Thing is, there are no peanuts anywhere in our house and I am diligent about reading labels and making sure that the things she is eating are peanut and nut free (even though we have to troubles with other nuts). Yes I know that things happen and peanuts can get in even where they aren't supposed to but that wasn't the case yesterday. And no I wasn't eating a Larabar while making the dessert, which brings us back to the end of our visit to the ER. The doctor had cleared us to leave, was going to send a referral to the allergist we had seen a year ago when this all started, when she came back and closed the curtain, which I thought was weird but somehow knew what was coming.

Only at the end of our visit did she ask about the "granola bar" I was eating. I told her I don't keep the kind with peanuts in our house and this one contained almonds and cashews. I know those sneaky peanuts could be in there too, but the point is, I wasn't eating anything, ANYTHING, when all this went down. And while I ate this, did you notice it having an adverse affect on my child? NO! Also, I haven't had a Larabar in weeks and the last time was probably in the car while running errands. Once again, a closed in space and no ill affects then?

The doctor went on about Cross contamination and how we have to be extra careful, especially when dealing with an allergy like this one. I know she is just doing her job but after all this, it just made me angry!

First and foremost, if you are going to question my parenting - do it when we get there or when you see me eating the dreaded granola bar. At least give me the chance to defend myself instead of allowing me to feel that I have been judged and convicted without a proper trial! Okay that may be a little overdramatic but still, I already felt guilty enough about what had happened and was racking my brain to try to figure out what could have caused it without the additional judgement being place on me.

We may never know what caused yesterday's attack. What I will take from this is that we will continue to be diligent about what Sophie eats, we have too. I have also spent enough time worrying about what that doctor and nurse think I might have done or caused. I am the one who know's what was happening in our house, when it happened. For the love of my child and the fact that she is perfectly fine today - I am truly thankful!

My Baby is Turning 2!

I know, I know. She isn't a baby anymore! She is a toddler and every day, more and more an active, outgoing, fun loving, independent, stubborn, creative, engineer in training, people person! Such a big little girl! So many times a day I look at her and what she is doing and see my husband in her - there is no doubt she has his engineering brain! But then every now and then, more on the now these days, I see some of me popping out in her - she is definitely a people person and I know where she got that from!

Everyday is an adventure and as we move closer to 2,I am terrified of what is yet to come. I think this is because I see more and more the range of emotions that she is just learning she has and has to control. Of course everything is "MINE", and if she doesn't get her way, total meltdown is only a tantrum away. Now I know there are ways to control these - if she is tired or hungry, the meltdown will be on a grander scale! Yet, I also know that these are just a part of her learning and growing. She will eventually grow out of these too, just not anytime soon!

I guess part of my fear stems from being able to keep up with her once the new baby is here. I have never been one to just go with the flow - I am a planner and need to have all the information in front of me. NO SURPRISES! I guess this too will teach me more about patience while at the same time LOVE. I love my daughter with all my heart and know that I will love both equally, I just want to make sure that Sophie knows it.

So as we move closer to 2, which I am finding a harder transition than her turning 1 I will treasure each moment (even the tantrums) and continue to love her more and more each day. Some days it will test my patience to the extreme but I know that we will come out on top.

Lifes Twists and Turns

So, I know it has been a long while since I last blogged. Life has taken some crazy turns in the past weeks and well, my brain wasn't really in the writing mode! Also, every time I sat down to write I would be interrupted to go and "play" or some other reason!

What's been going on? Well for starters, my child is back to her old ways of waking up at night, needing mommy and a bottle to get back to sleep. Chock it up to teeth, having a cold that lasted forever, trying to sort out how to get her to fall asleep on her own, going away to the cottage for a week, food issues and not wanting to eat these days - you name it, we have run the gambit! I do have to say though that while she has been driving me crazy at nights, she is a great napper now. Down around 12:30generally and out for 2 to 2 1/2hours some days. It is lovely to have a child that is finally so predictable in this area.

Still I wonder how I got to this point. My child is now 21 months old, we are pregnant with our second - due late December, and I am still at home. The last part seems to be the most surprising to people. Why? I was always the go-go-go person. Had two jobs, maybe more, volunteered, did lots of stuff. But honestly I can say that the most rewarding job I have ever had is being a mom.

Staying home well that was because I wanted out of fundraising and just couldn't put my child in daycare. (Kudos to all the moms I know who do work! It just wasn't the right choice for us).I am fortunate to have a husband who has a very good job that allows me to stay home and raise our child. Still I struggle with making sure she is properly stimulated and is on the appropriate "learning curve" versus the crap that needs to be done around the house. If I could just focus on her as my only task I would love it! There is no shortage of things we can do - in and out of the house! It is how do I fit in the laundry, dishes, and general day to day, let alone now start try to clean out the office which will become Sophie's bedroom?

Babysitter - says it in one word. Our next door neighbour is 16 and Sophie just loves her. So I have taken the bull by the horns last week and when we can am bringing her in to babysit, just so that I can get some stuff done around the house this summer - especially in the office. There is nothing like the prospect of having another child to kick your butt in high gear to get those things done around the house that you may have been procrastinating on - just ask my hubby, he has been a machine getting the house painted after 6 years, the cedars in our backyard removed, the garden shed cleaned out along with the garage. Now if I could just get him to focus on the office with me for a day . . . Well a girl can dream can't she!

Cheating on my House!

I feel like I am cheating on my house. I also feel like I am being buried alive by all the stuff in my house! I know that I need to really make a concerted effort to start going through things and getting rid of some of this stuff and organize the rest, but how do you do that with a toddler?

I am truly struggling with this these days. I have so many little projects started but nothing finished that it is beginning to drive me crazy. I feel that all I do each day is the bare minimum to get us through the day - laundry (maybe one load, two if we are having a good day), dishes, cleaning up toys, maybe get the bathroom clean, make meals. I have great plans each morning - today I am going bake something yummy for my family, or I am going to sort through the clothes in the office and get them packed away or I am going dust my bedroom. Still none of it gets done.

The one reason for all of this is the time I spent at the gym from January to April -2 hours a day, 3 days a week. By the time I would get to the gym and then home it was time for lunch and then naps (I can't seem to give up my afternoon nap no matter how hard I try). My workouts would seriously kick my butt so that I would need them. Now I think it is just a habit. I don't regret this though - I lost 19 inches overall and feel really good. Now I haven't been to the gym in a week so I need to figure out how to fit it back into my schedule this week but still . . . Part of me thinks I need some time with my home!

So starting tomorrow I am somehow going to knock one TO DO off my list. Start slowly and take it one day at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day and we certainly didn't accumulate all this stuff over night so we will take our time and see what we can get done! Wish me luck!

All Done!

These are two words my daughter is very good at saying these days - ALL DONE! We use it at dinner time generally to tell us when she is finished eating. But we have started using it at other times - like when we are playing, reading stories, or at the end of bath time.

She says it with such fervor - ALLLL Done! ALLL Done! It makes us laugh each time she says it. We did teach her the sign language for all done - waving your hands to the sides and this did work for a long time, but we always said the words too just so she would learn it eventually. Well that day came - the signing stopped and the words came, eagerly.

So ALLL Done! works at the end of dinner or when mommy has had a long day and she is ALLLL Done! All done will also be monumental for me on Wednesday as I have my last and final training session. I will be ALLLLL Done! And I feel somewhat guilty saying this but I am looking forward to being done.

Why? Well, simply, I need a change in programs and what I am doing. I also think I need a little more flexibility in when I go to the gym. Since January, I have been going 3 days a week, sometimes less, sometimes more, still 3 days a week at 9:00 in the morning. That was the best time for us and really helped to establish a good routine. In fact, at least 5 out of 7 days a week we are out of the house by 9:00 a.m. I am looking forward to next week when I can choose to go or not go.

The thing that worries me though is falling off the wagon and continuously making excuses not to go - oh the laundry needs to be done, the house needs to be cleaned, we had a rough night of sleep - even as I write them they all sound lame. Even in the last 3 weeks, with bad nights of sleep, I have gotten my butt in gear and gone. But will the "pressure" to go disappear when my trainer does? I think because I am aware of this worry, I will be cognizant of making sure that doesn't happen. I still plan on trying to keep a pretty similar schedule - there by 9ish - but if we want to go to playgroup we will have a better chance of getting there with more than 1/2 hour left!

All in all, I am looking forward to the change that is coming. I will be developing my own program. I have done a lot of learning about my body - mostly about the hurts - I have patella femoral syndrome in my left knee and possibly a leftover car accident injury (shoulder) from 14 years ago. I have also spent a lot of time listening (to my trainer), asking questions, reading and learning in the past 4 months and for the first time in a long time I am excited about the possibilities that lay ahead. I can see the changes that have taken place in my body - my calf muscles are a lot closer to being the same size again! And I look forward to continuing my fitness journey. But sshhhh! Don't tell my trainer but between you and I, I don't plan on going near the chest press machine any time soon! Somehow I don't think it will miss me either :)

Daddy's Sanity Time

So my hubby and I were talking yesterday about what we had going on today. I had an extra training session at the gym, bright and early but that was the only thing I had going on. He says to me "okay, well I will watch Sophie in the morning if you can watch her in the afternoon." I say "Okay, what are you going to do?" "Oh just stuff." "Oh that's good" and trying to be an interested and supportive wife I ask "What stuff?" To this I don't get much of a response.

Should I be suspicious - not really. It is either racing related or racing related. It just drives me crazy because if I wasn't interested in what he was doing I wouldn't have asked. Still he won't say. So as I am heading to bed - early, we had a rough night the night before - I ask again just to see if he would tell me and well frankly I have worked up several scenarios in my head (of which I know none are correct) but I just need to know. He finally says "I just need some daddy sanity time."

He couldn't have given me that answer two hours before? I completely understand the need to have some time on your own and as he didn't go racing on Wednesday night because he wasn't feeling well, he had missed out on his weekly night off! I don't know why he hesitated in telling me. Was he embarrassed in asking for time off? The worst part was, he felt like he needed to justify to me why he needed the afternoon to himself. Now that I stop and think about it, I have heard interesting statements like this over the last week "You know I do a lot around here." "I take over when I get home you know."

It makes me wonder what I said or did to bring this on. I know that he does a lot around here, especially with Sophie and I try to remember to thank him for this. I usually get some smart alec response like "yeah, yeah I know" but I still try to say it so he knows.

Anyway, Sophie is totally all about daddy these days so when he comes home from work all she wants to do is play with him and hang out. I know it hasn't helped with the weather being so crappy this week. She loves being outside and we haven't been able to spend as much time outside during the day as we would like. Usually by the time daddy is home it has cleared a little or the rain has stopped and he is the lucky one who gets to take her outside to play. Meanwhile, it is not like I am inside eating bonbons - I am inside making dinner, cleaning up the house, doing laundry - all the things I haven't gotten too because I have been taking care of our child all day.

Each day, parenting brings new challenges big and small. The thing that I have realized is that it is important to not take any of it personally and to take each day, one day at a time, learning from the current challenge and moving forward. And on that note, I had better go - it sounds like bedtime isn't going so well. I will go and see if I can lend a hand.

Giggles and Hugs

I have been struggling lately with what to write. It isn't that I don't have things to write about, I do. I think the problem is that I have too many things running through my brain these days. I wish I had a computer attached to my brain for my wake ups with Sophie - the pieces I write at 3 a.m. are so eloquent and so well put together - and then when I sit down to pen something (can you still call it that), my mind goes blank!

Even now I struggle. Still, my brain keeps coming back to the fun of our morning so lets start there. We went to play with a friend so that his mom can have some "me" time for her and her youngest! The morning didn't start off the best - when you need to drive across town and can't leave because your car seat is in another car. OOPS!

Hubby came home and we fixed the situation relatively quickly and we were soon on our way. I was a little apprehensive - I wasn't sure how our little friend would be with us staying and his mom and sibling leaving. Needless to say, I worried for nothing - he was fine and we had a great time playing. We read some stories, played with trucks, trains, dumptrucks, balls. We had a game of follow the leader around the island kitchen which developed into a game of chase and topped everything off with snack for the toddlers and tea for the mommy!

But I have to say the best part of the day was watching the toddlers play. These two have played well together in the past so it really wasn't a surprise. Then the giggles started - each toddler would look at the other and then put their hands over their mouths and start laughing - WHY? - just because! Then they decided to walk around the island holding hands! Ohhhhh! So cute. And then there were hugs.

I love watching my daughter play with other kids. On the weekend she was surrounded and doted upon by her older cousins (12/9/8/7). They were so good with her and I was so happy to watch the elation on her face as they played with her. I grew up being the youngest of seven cousins and siblings. I remember never feeling left out or lonely when we would get together for family gatherings, so I am sure it is similar to what my toddler experienced on the weekend. These are the moments that make for incredible memories that last us a lifetime! Though next time - I need to remember to take my camera!

Sleeping - Part II

Okay - a day and a half later and I finally got back to the computer. Needless to say, someone did not go back to sleep when she woke up yesterday. As I sit here and type I am listening to the giggles, laughter and some tears (hair washing time) coming from the bathroom! I have to say I have an awesome husband who is so good with Sophie.

So, back to sleep. Starting last Monday we started trying to put her into her crib awake but not forcing her to cry it out. I just can't do it anymore. Not only is it torture for her, it is for us too. This way if she wakes up in the night she can put herself back to sleep. So far, knock on wood, things are going well. We have had better, consistent sleep for a week now. Again, knock on wood!

She gets between 10 1/2 and 11 1/2 hours a night straight through. Definitely making for a different child in the mornings. Naps are okay but not great yet. We will see anywhere from 25 minutes to 3 hours. See what I mean.

I am actually wondering if we need to re-institute two naps a day for the next bit. Around 9:30/10 she seems to be running out of steam. Problem is, I am not sure this will work for our current schedule - we are at the gym for 9 a.m. Monday/Wednesday/ Friday and have Little Gym Thursday's at 9:15. Pretty much every day, she will fall asleep on our way home even if for just 10 minutes. She then is usually down by 1:30 at the latest which is good. Any later and she is a barracuda! Also, later throws off bedtime which is now between 7:30 and 8:00. We are trying to get her to bed earlier these days because she is beat, and well it seems to be working too!

I think the one real thing we have learned through all of this is to listen to our guts and go with our instincts. We have read enough sleep books in the past 17 months to be able to deduce what is going on pretty well, but for some reason each book is missing the chapter on what to do specifically for Sophie!!! I guess they were saving that for us to write.

Good night, sleep tight!!!

Sleep

I need sleep! This is not really surprise, everyone does. But this week when I have probably had more consistent and better sleep at night, I am finding myself more tired. What's up with that?

You see, it all came to a head last weekend. For 8 months, we have been attempting the Cry It Out (COI) method to teach our daughter to sleep. Well it isn't working - at all! One night last week we listened to her cry for over two hours in the middle of the night. And we aren't just talking whimpering - this was full blown bawling. As her mother, it tore out my heart to have to listen to her but this was what we had decided to do and needed to stick to it. Needless to say, we all woke up exhausted, grumpy and less than ready to face the day. It was after this episode that we realized that COI wasn't working and we needed a new strategy.

How did this happen. Well it wasn't over night that's for sure. Unfortunately she has been sleeping horribly since about the middle of January. When the experts say that teething shouldn't/doesn't impact a little one's sleep - those experts must have children that are outside the norm. My child has always been bothered by teething pain at night. You can usually get her back to sleep but after lots of snuggling, Tylenol and/or Advil, and maybe some bottle. So since January Sophie has dealt with four molars arriving and possibly some eye teeth development, flu twice and an endless cold and runny nose that I think are finally gone (knock on wood). All of these things can impact sleep.

So I looked into a different program - A No-Cry Solution. In fact I am still reading - that is hard to do when you fall asleep every time you pick it up! Maybe I should give it to Sophie to read! LOL! In the meantime, we started to dissect what was happening with her during the night - then it came to me. I don't think my daughter has learned how to fall asleep on her own. We had gotten into the habit of rocking and feeding her into a deep slumber and as a result when she awoke at night she didn't know how to do it on her own.

I must pause - it appears someone has woken from her nap after only 25 minutes!

One day closer to 38

I know it is soooo hard to believe, but yes, I will be 38 next week ;) Actually 38 doesn't bother me, in fact I am very calm about the number, unlike my late 20's. I can honestly say that 26 to 29 really sucked. When I turned 30 I resolved to stop worrying about what others thought of me or expected me to be, stopped worrying about whether I would meet the love of my life, made smarter choices about money and to become the person that was dying inside of me to get out.

As I move one day closer to 38 - the "new me" is still a work in progress. In fact, if anything I am happier with my life than I have ever been. Where am I today? I have many loves in my life - a dear sweet hubby, my beautiful child, furry kitties, incredible friends, crazy family, and believe it or not the gym.

I am blessed to have met the man of my dreams shortly after my "30" resolution. We will celebrate 8 years together and 5 married this year! In many ways it feels like so many more. That love created our incredibly adorable and active, 17 month old. She is a handful, but I can't expect less from her. If you know anything about her parents you know that the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree! The support networks I have, made up of my incredible friends and family, make getting through the day to day that much easier. It is so important to know that I am not alone in this journey.

A lot of my friends have blogged about pets and animals lately! I love my kitties (deep breath M), especially when they snuggle up close for a nap but there are days when I would like to shave both of them (long hairs) bald! There are only so many hairballs and times a week you can sweep your house!

So usually you don't see love and gym in the same sentence. Let me be clear, I still struggle daily to get to the gym and have a long list of excuses why not to go ready in the back of my head, but once I am there and halfway through my workout I am rejuvenated and so glad I came. The other kicker is the changes in my body I am beginning to really see. Yesterday when getting ready to go to church I put on a pair of dressy capris and tank. Both were very tight and showed way to much the last time I wore them. Yesterday I walked out the door with a rejuvenated sense of me - confident, comfortable in my skin and clothes, happy with how I looked - and yes I had a coat on too! When was the last time I felt like that - well let's just say that it has been a very long time.

There are a few things I had hoped would have happened by now but am not worried like I was. If they are meant to be, they will be. I believe that everything happens for a reason and think that right now is the time I am supposed to focus on my health and taking care of myself. So come on 38 - I celebrate you and everything you have to offer.

Starting a New Week

Yesterday, Saturday, was the end of a very long week for me.

It all started Tuesday, when at the gym I found out I have some major, major issues with my left knee. Instead of training, it ended up being a like a physio session, my trainer just trying to sort out what is going on. Good and bad. It along with the rest of my leg hurt like stink for the rest of the week. No pain, no gain, right? Well, when I picked Sophie up from the gym daycare I knew she wasn't feeling well. She never comes over to me crying to go home. She usually wants to stay and play. Tuesday night I ended up cancelling my training session - Sophie wasn't feeling well and well I was beginning to feel really conjested and unwell. Maybe a good thing.

Wednesday, Sophie was up early so she and I snuggled on the couch for a few more minutes of sleep. Instead of snoozing, I couldn't get over the very strange sound that our fridge was making. We have known since we bought the house that the fridge would most likely be the first appliance to be replaced. It has always made a very loud noise when the motor would come on. In fact, we got about five more years than we thought out of it so not bad. The more I listened the more it became very apparent that it wasn't going to last long. I dealt with the freezer stuff, taking it down to our big freezer. At this point I was miffed - my hubby didn't seem the least interested in dealing with the fridge. Yes he did have to go to work, and yes Wednesday is racing night but still. Our fridge is dying and you think it will last until Thursday so we can go shopping then. Whatever!!!

Wednesday also saw an argument with my child over changing her butt (really a meltdown of epic porportions) resulting in me putting her on the floor without a diaper while I cooled down. In hindsight, it was obvious that she wasn't feeling well at all. So, what happens when you put a crying, half naked baby on the floor to continue their temper tantrum? They pee on the floor. Not her fault at all, just one more thing though. And now I not only have to try and get a diaper on her I now have to change her onesie and socks! I also spilled coffee all over my kitchen table, floor and laptop. Luckily - the laptop still works!!

After an interesting hour of shopping with my mom - I was actually able to buy something from the regular size of Reitmans, we returned home to find out that indeed we were going out Fridge shopping after all. We did, we bought, but what - delivery wasn't available until the following Wednesday. WHAT? Again, my hubby thought that a miracle would happen and the fridge would somehow resurect itself and last another week. Needless to say - he isn't a betting man and a good thing too. All right, somehow we will make this work. Luckily it is winter in Canada. Outdoor refrigeration rocks, but it also makes you realize how many times you go into your fridge in a day.

So I thought our day had turned around until bedtime. I thought Sophie had eaten too much supper and that was why she couldn't settle. The only way to get her to sleep was with me. Etienne tried to put her to bed when he got home, well soon after that, the crying started and then so did the vomit. It was the longest, nerve wracking, few hours of our life. Just as we would all get settled - Sophie on top of me or in my lap - it would start all over again. In this moment of parenting truth, you really learn how you will be under pressure. Even my hubby commended me the next day on how calm I was, even when covered in puke. Well, what good is it going to do for me to get upset. One of us is already there, no need to add to the drama.

Thursday morning we woke up hoping today would be better and it was. In fact everything was good until Friday lunch! Dah, dah! I started getting the twinges that there was something wrong soon after starting to eat. I have been diligent about what we eat these days. Nothing that could go bad that was in the fridge came near us. So this was something different. I got Sophie down for her nap and well then it began for me. Luckily Etienne had come home at lunch. I was down for the count - the flu had got me too. Now I understood why Sophie had felt so awful Wednesday night. Etienne made it to about 9:30 Friday night and then it took him out too.

It has been a very long weekend, after a very long week, of sickies - Sophie included still. I had a good day on Saturday while my dear hubby was down for the count. Then what we think was more dehydration than flu hit me again on Sunday. Fortunately, I think we are on the mend. Overall, I have gathered a new appreciation for illness. Without kids you have no worries, just yourself or your significant other. You can stay in bed or lay on the couch, with no interruptions. With kids, it is a whole new game.

First, when they are sick and can't talk and tell you what is wrong there are so many things you need to try to figure out and hope you are right. I felt a lot of guilt on Wednesday for what happened to Sophie. But as this was an area we had never visited before, how would I have known. Then, when you are sick and they are feeling better, life has to still go on. I remember my sister-in-law saying that once "Sheila, moms don't get a day off even when you are sick!". How right you are Lisa.

Life does still go on. Even when everything you think could go wrong has gone wrong, and you are at that point where you just don't think you can take anymore - you still need to move forward. Instead of whallowing in your misery, you need to figure out different coping strategies for getting through this situation. Then when everyone is healthy again and all your appliances work, you add those new coping strategies to your arsenal and store them away to be used and adapted for the next time you run into the flu and appliance malfunctions. And let me tell, both can stay away from my house for another five years!!

PMS - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

WOW! I am tired of PMS. You would think after 25 years of dealing with it on a monthly basis, except when I was preggers and breastfeeding , that I would have a handle on it. The last two months have been brutal.

I have noticed that I am very short today with hubby and baby. It doesn't help that baby only had a half hour nap this morning in the car when she was out with daddy and then 15 minutes this afternoon or when I say things like maybe daddy should take Sophie downstairs to play for a little before bed - I am not saying it to hear the sound of my own voice. So instead Houdini Baby decides that she is going down on her own and slides under the gate and is on her way. Why was he surprised? It is only 7 p.m. and she is already on her way to bed. Sweet dreams little one.

I remember my mom saying to me once that she always knew when my monthly visitor was coming because for at least one day, if not more, I had no patience and well I was a Bitch! Yes my mother said it. I noticed yesterday, on the most romantic day of the year, that I was already feeling short and with no patience. Today was even worse.

Thing is, because I know I am like this I hold my emotions in severe check and instead of letting it out when I need to, I walk away from disagreements, stupid comments, and crying babies and beat myself up about the way I am feeling or better yet I will mumble and mutter under my breath about all the things I want to say or names I would like to call someone. So instead, I sound like a crazy person. Maybe I am.

One day I will figure out how to deal with these emotions. How not to let them run my life, leaving me feeling calm, cool and collected. In the meantime I need to go and fold my clothes because for some reason my hubby (so many names) hasn't figured out how to fold mine while he folds his. Yeah, and he wonders why sometimes I walk around grumpy and don't speak to him. Oh well . . .

February 13

I am supposed to be heading off to the gym right now but instead I sit here and type. You see I have been delayed today because I had a little girl who refused to get dressed and eat. Oh well. We will get there eventually. Also it is snowing right now - big beautiful flakes, and really is it my place to mess that up! I know, not really an excuse.

I think this blog has been perculating in my head all week. Why? Well, before now I don't think I was ready to face it. You see I have been doing some serious self discovery this week. It came to an ugly head on Thursday when I ate something I truly shouldn't have and know subconsciously that I shouldn't have, but did it anyway.

Let me start at the beginning - Tuesday I found out my friend's mom passed away. This hit me harder than I thought it would and I think it put me in a funk for most of the week thus causing my Thursday eating misadventure. I also wasn't prepared for lunch that day and instead of going home and eating after gym and our playdate, we went for lunch with our friends to a local establishment popular with children (that is all I will say). By mid afternoon I knew I had made a major mistake and that my system was going to punish me for the rest of the day as a result. And rightfully so! Why should it respect me when I had so little respect for it. Still I do not beat myself up for this action, I am using it as a learning opportunity.

As I said earlier, I have been thinking this week about a lot of things - my eating habits, working out, family, death, life, running, what is really important to me. Let's go back even further, to the end of January because that is where this really starts.

At a family visit, I found out that my sister-in-law is pre-diabetic. They called it some other name to cushion the blow, but really, let's call a spade a spade. She does have a family history of diabetes in her family. She was also gestational with my nephew when she was expecting him 16 years ago. I think this has been in the back of my head for the past couple of weeks. I was gestational with Sophie and the Endocrinologist did say that there was a higher chance of me having diabetes down the line because of this. There is also a higher chance of having it again, should we get pregnant. I know I didn't take her seriously at the time. Now I am not saying that I have diabetes or am panicking about getting it - I think this discovery about my sister-in-law has just brought it to the forefront - health wise speaking.

Since the end of the detox, I have been floundering, trying to find my place in all of this. I understand why Clean Eating is a good choice. But is it the right choice for me. I ended up speaking with four friends who have taken their health into their own hands. I respect what each has done for themselves and their bodies and I wanted to get a better understanding of what they were doing. One is all for clean eating, and the other three focus on exercise and diet, watching what they eat but not completely cutting gluten, dairy and sugar from their diets. I have done a lot of reading on top of this and had countless conversations with my husband and my trainer as well.

So what conclusions have I drawn - #1 exercise for me is key these days. With it I definitely feel better, have more energy, get better sleep. My trainer was away in Las Vegas this week so it was a real test to see if I would kick my own butt and get to the gym. I did - I made it three times. I did get there this morning after all - I left an out of sorts girl (who is actually very unwell at the moment) at home with daddy. I felt so much better and happy I had gone.

#2 - What we eat is so important to our everyday health. I realized today that I really need to refocus myself, what and how we eat. As we already have to watch out for Sophie's peanut allergy (yeah I am that mom) and my husband's every other nut allergy (yeah you read right)I am very diligent about reading labels and ingredients trying to make the best possible choices for our family. I find this challenging most days. Thing is with what I have read to date in clean eating recipes, a lot of the substitions they use involve nuts - almonds especially. I love almonds but I refuse to make one meal for me and one for my family. That just won't work!

Now I am sure that I can substitute out for better grain choices from the nuts, but this is going to require more research and time. I know we will get there but just not today, tomorrow or maybe even next week. One of my friends made a very good point. - she likes things that are bad for her, but she doesn't look at them like that anymore. Instead of beating herself for these missteps and continuing to call them bad, she looks at them as learning experiences and moves forward. Mistakes happen though I honestly think she doesn't let these mistakes happen very often. Let's move on.

I have decided to take it one day and week at a time right now. I have lost 14 pounds to date and that is a great accomplishment. I want to see that scale go down again next week so this week I am committing to really watching what I eat and when I eat it. Time to move forward.

P.S. I didn't realize how much of an emotional eater I really was. That is another blog for another day!

The newest angel . . .

I just found out this afternoon that a good friend's mom passed away on the weekend. My heart aches for her and her family because this has been a long hard struggle for them. Having beaten two rounds of Cancer in the past four years, things were really beginning to look up again for her. Unfortunately, no one saw the congestive heart failure caused by the chemo, not even her doctors, lurking around the corner just waiting to strike.

Last week they knew it was bad, they just didn't know it was going to turn even worse so quickly. In speaking with her today though, I am astounded by my friend's strength and resolve. I know she has had horrible moments in the last five days, she told me about some of them, but we also talked a lot about quality of life.

When I worked at Parkwood, in what feels like a million years ago now, I learned very quickly about quality of life from all angles - the impact on the patient now and in the future; the impact on the family now and in the future; making sure that your wishes are known so that in these trying times, the right thing can be done. I didn't get the sense that this family had had that conversation -- who knew they would have to -- but it was clear that they knew what mom wouldn't have wanted - to be hooked up indefinitely to life support on the off chance she might pull through. That is no way for her to live or for the family who is left behind. In this situation, no matter how you feel, you just can't be selfish.

They are having a small private family funeral on Thursday at 1 p.m. I know my friend has already said her goodbyes. I hope she takes that moment and many more for years to come to celebrate the wonderful woman who was her mother. And in an ironic twist of fate she also told me that she is 3 1/2 months pregnant. This baby will have one of the funniest and kindest guardian angels looking down over them. Rest in peace.

Coffee

I know it seems weird for a post title, but I have realized that in order for me to get up and going in the morning, I need my cup of joe. I take it black with just a hint of cinnamon! Yum.

Why is this important - well - you see I had great intentions today to get back down in my basement and get some more stuff sorted, cleaned and organized. Even with my sleeping in until 8:15 I figured yes today is the day to get lots done. Nope! We headed out to complete some errands this morning and by the time we got home it was lunch time and time to put someone down for her nap - which I have to say was a good one today (2 hours 10 minutes). I followed soon after for my own nap because I was wiped out. When I got up I realized that I hadn't had my morning wake me up which always helps for some reason clear the cobwebs for the day. It has also been a bad week sleep wise and that finally caught up with me.

Now we did get some very important things done this morning - organizing the front closet and finally putting the summer shoes away for the next few months. Sorting and cleaning out the "Tupperware" drawer - throwing out those dishes that have seen better days or are missing lids or bottoms and just generally making it clean and tidy. Paying the babysitter for her time on Tuesday, calling a friend to confirm the time of the birthday party we need to go to tomorrow. Making lunch and supper for the family, all the while hubby did the laundry and lots of dishes by hand and in the dishwasher. My last job of the night is to get the Peanuts clothes folded and figure out what doesn't fit anymore (this always makes me sad!)

Overall, we had a very productive day, just not what I had intended on getting done. Oh well. There is always tomorrow. In fact I will make my coffee before I head upstairs, that way I only have to push a button in the morning. I should be able to handle that.

Blue Box Bloopers

So have you ever read page 11 of the City of London Recycling Calendar. I have. Did you know that you are not allowed to put bakery/food trays and clamshell containers in your recycling. In fact one morning a couple of months ago, Etienne just happened to be heading off to work when our recycling was picked up. The worker actually stopped him and said basically we can put in cans, plastic water bottles and regular plastic containers, for example the kinds used for sour cream and margarine. That is it. Whomever the city is using for recycling doesn't have the capacity to take the other items, even though they are marked with the right numbers if you go the City website. Sheesh!

As a parent of a child who eats lots of fruit and I a lot of vegis these days, this is a royal pain in the butt. Most fruit is sold in these containers, along with salad greens, tomatoes, etc. So now, even though I am trying to be a good parent and feed my child and my family healthy food, I can't recycle the containers these foods come in, therefore filling up our landfills quicker - you see where I am going with this.

Every now and then I try again just to see if the rules have changed and there my clamshell containers sit. Unloved and sitting alone in the blue box still. Just like this morning. So I would like to suggest, before the city develop a green bin program (which I think is a great idea - I have been composting since we bought our house), they sort out these recycling issues! Just a thought . . .

Bedtime

I really should be heading to bed myself even though it is only 8:20 p.m., but I need to get something off my chest before I do.

You see I was just trying to get my daughter down. Most nights lately it is a challenge. She has dropped to one nap which is great but she is now sleeping two to two and a half hours in the afternoon which has been throwing off when she is going down now at night. We have been desperately trying to keep the same schedule but it has been hard the last couple of weeks.I know she was ready for bed tonight, but she wasn't quite there so we were just hanging out - rocking in her room, telling stories, snuggling.

Before she falls asleep, she will turn over onto her belly and put her head on my shoulder. She had just settled in to this position and who comes in to check how things are going but my hubby. Daddy is here to save the day - TA DA!

Well of course, she sits up, starts fussing and now we have to start all over again, except that she now wants daddy to cuddle with. I love the bond that these two are developing, she is truly daddy's girl, but hey buddy - where were you half an hour ago when I started this process. You could have offered to do the whole thing tonight. Oh yeah, you were reading.

Yeah sure, you did the dishes after supper tonight but that was only because I was upstairs, changing yet another poopy diaper and then continuing to fold and put away the laundry (and keeping the child amused at the same time), that you started and didn't finish Saturday, leaving me to finish that off yesterday while you went off racing from very, very early morning to after I went to bed last night. You could have at least put the toys in the livingroom away. It took me a whole two minutes to do when I came back downstairs.

I have been trying to figure out what is really at the root of the anger I feel when these moments arise. I think a lot of it still stems from a "conversation" he and I had back in September - about how he didn't feel it was fair that I expected him to come home and clean and cook after he had worked all day . . . I was staying home, that was my job now. Can you say 1950's mentality! Sweetheart, did you also want me to meet you at the door in my good dress, pearls and pumps with your drink in one hand and the clean, and ready for bed toddler in the other, while supper simmers away on the stove? WTF! Some days I really wonder what value he puts on staying at home and raising our child.

I have no answers for this one. As I said at the top, I just really needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Moving on . . .

The Peanut (kind of funny considering how allergic she is to them) is down for her nap, I have just poured myself a peppermint tea and I think it is time for a little reflection.

As of yesterday, I have moved on from the detox and am now moving into the next phase. I know this is a couple of days early, but yesterday at the gym I once again became dizzy and nauseous about two thirds of the way through my training session. Frustrating because I am really back into what we are doing and I feel like my body is letting me down and I am letting down my trainer. Again my trainer asked what I had had for breakie and told her. It was her opinion that I needed either more protein or some complex carbohydrates to give me that extra fuel to get all the way through my workout. And honestly I was starving right around the time it hit, so yes, I bet I was just out of fuel.

So I decided to opt out a couple of days early from the detox so that I could make some changes to what I was eating and be ready to go for Monday at 9 a.m.! Today I had a combination of Flax Cereal and Oats, with a few raisins and some cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg for flavour. They were yummy and my system responded well to them. This was good fuel for our skating adventure this morning with Kelly and Connor. We had a great time, got some good exercise in, and came home with lots of energy.

This detox has been a real journey of exploration for me. I never thought I had issues around food, but have come to realize that that isn't necessarily the case. I love to eat there is no doubt, but I also don't like feeling deprived either. This is the biggest one. But what is deprivation? Dictionary.com lists the word deprive as to remove or withhold something from the enjoyment or possession of (a person or persons): to deprive a man of life; to deprive a baby of candy. I think it is funny that the second is the example they use. Baby's shouldn't have candy in the first place, so really, that is just good parenting. But I digress . . .

I think in the beginning I saw parts of this detox as being deprived of the things I love so much. But yet, these are the things that have really put a tax on my health, my energy, my system, my sanity. I can't say that I won't eat sugar ever again - I love cake - but I am going to try and continue to make better choices on the food front for me and my family. I have a child who really doesn't like sweets - I sometimes wish I was more like her.

Day 24

Well we are almost at the end of this Detox journey. I have to say that I am kind of glad about that. The last week has been particularly hard. Reasons - I need a little more variety in what I eat - like some red meat and being able to eat Oatmeal (the Steel Cut variety) in the morning along with my fruit. I also miss eggs which has surprised me a little.

I have to say that this has been a long and winding journey in which I think each of us Yummy Mummy's has truly learned the value that we place on food. For me, I have realized how I do love food - the taste, the smell, the family time, the conversations with great friends. Food brings us together - always has, always will. I have also realized how much I hate being limited in what I can eat. I have had to learn new inventive techniques for making, chicken and turkey exciting again, and again, and again. Thank goodness for being allowed fish because if I hadn't been able to mix things up with that, I would have caved week two.

I know I have learned healthier eating habits that will be of huge benefit to me and my family. From here on in it will be a case of making sure I incorporate this knowledge into our daily routine, instead of falling back on the old and easy ways. Now don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to bringing back some of my old favourites - bread, being one. But I will look for healthier alternatives like Ezekial bread or start making my own at home with the bread maker that has been in my basement for two years unused. Juicing will also continue to have a place in our house. I love fresh juice. My morning would not be complete without it and my Chia seeds! (Ch-ch-ch-chia - I know you are singing it too.)

Still, I have to admit that I am a little scared about what next week brings. My true fear lies in how I will deal with the first day off program - will I gorge on potato chips and steak (isn't that a picture) to the point of making myself sick or will I continue to take a step back and carefully watch what I consume - think about each thing I put on my plate, and ultimately how it will make me feel at the end of the meal.

I have been reading two really interesting books - Eating Clean Recharged by Tosca Reno and EAT THIS! NOT THAT! I know that Eating Clean will continue to be a big part of what happens going forward. I get what Tosca is trying to teach us. EAT THIS! NOT THAT! is truly eye opening for what happens in our restaurants, but beyond that, provides very interesting insight into the world of food in general. Both will be good resources in my kitchen.

When all is said and done, I know next week I will need to recommit to making myself the healthiest person I can be. That may have to happen for the next 52 weeks. If so, that is just the way it will have to be. I know I will have slip ups, I am only human after all. But instead of beating myself up, I will look at what I have done and move forward - maybe it will be another couple of weeks before I have that food again, maybe a couple of months. Either way, I am going to try to be the healthiest person I can be.

Skating

The feel of the ice as you glide over it is like no other for me. I love it and miss it. So why have I said that, keep reading.

Instead of heading to the gym this morning, I decided that Sophie and I would stay home and try to get a few things done around the house. Reason - my head is still on the verge of exploding and even though the workout would have been good for the hour, the after effect was not one I was ready to deal with today. Around 9:30 a.m., as I was deciding whether to have a shower or go fold the massive amounts of laundry in my bedroom I made a spontaneous decision - Sophie and I would go skating at the Parent/Tot Skate at Carling Arena. It is something I have wanted to check out since November. Today was the day that I was going to use the new skates that I bought two years ago. I was missing my old skates this morning which are broken in so well, but we will just have to keep going in order to get my new skates broken in as well.

So, we quickly got dressed and headed out the door. I was a little hesitant, well a lot hesitant, because it has been at least 8 years since I have been on skates. There was a very good chance that the 2 year olds just learning to skate were going to show me up. Well, I didn't fall! Success #1. Luckily I was able to hold onto the stroller the entire time, otherwise it wouldn't have been pretty. Success #2 - I lasted 15 minutes longer than I thought I would. I had said to myself on the ride over, even if I am done after 5 minutes, so be it. We actually made it 20 minutes! I think I could have gone longer except that I have a little girl who does not like to wear her mittens and as a result her hands were so cold by the end of the 20 minutes that it was time to leave. Next time I am duct taping her mittens on!

I am proud to have tried something "new" today. I feel great about getting out on the ice and know that we definitely go back again really soon. I also think it is important for Sophie to get out and see other kids doing different things. And she was very interested in watching the other kids skating on their own. I have no doubt that we will be strapping on her own skates very soon.

Headaches

I have always suffered from headaches. But today is a doosy! One of my reasons for doing the detox was to get the extra sugar out of my system which I am sure was causing some of them. Last night I decided to have an Epsom Salts bath, though I was leary because the last time I had one, I woke up with a screamer the next day too. I thought, well I really want to get the toxins out of me so let's see how it goes.

This time I made sure I drank lots of water and peppermint tea while in the tub and after. I made sure I didn't make the water as hot as last time. I sat back, relaxed and enjoyed the bath. Then I woke up this morning with a screamer again. Well actually it didn't become a screamer until about 9 a.m. but I knew what my day held for me when the "alarm" went off at 5:10 that was for sure.

Now I am sure that last night's crying episodes and wake up at 5:10 didn't help matters either. All in all, a bad combination of things. So as I sit here, and wish you all a good night, I am leaving my dishes undone from supper (my biggest peeve but I just can't do it), my basement still in an extreme state of chaos, the clean laundry in Sophie's room not put away and the laundry in my room will remain unfolded for one more day. Oh well, life will go on!

Dollies

I am sitting here watching Sophie play with her dollies. As a kid with two older brothers you would find me playing with cars, trucks and barns more so than dollies. I do remember getting my first teddy bear for my birthday when I was about five. I still have her, even though she is a little worse for wear these days.

No, I didn't play with dollies until I met my friend Denise. Then I had to have Barbies, and Cabbage Patch Kids. Well whatever Denise got, I had to have too! I think my mom hated hearing ". . . but mom, Denise has one so I HAVE to have one too." I just can't wait for that line in our house!

Sophie has always been a dolly/animal girl. Many mornings or after her nap you will find her sitting up in her bed just playing with her dollies and stuffed animals. Now don't worry, she is only allowed one teddy and one dolly and her glow worm and even then they don't make it in all the time.

What has surprised me is that she already has favourites - Willow who is a seedling dolly she got for her birthday from her friend Eva, Corolle who was also a birthday present from Auntie Reynolds, and an Upsie Daisy doll from In the Night Garden that I got for her when she was about four months old. She and Daisy are the same size so it is funny to watch her drag it around the house, and they go everywhere together. In fact, we were in the store the other day going past an In the Night Garden display and she put out her hand and said DAISY.

Crazy thing is I didn't plan for this to happen. It just did. I have realized lately that play is so important in her development. It teaches her to use her imagination. I have also noticed that she is very interested in knowing how things work - the engineering side of her brain no doubt. It is truly amazing, how even these early days help them determine who they will be down the road. Now if you will excuse me I have a tea party to attend . . .

Forgive me father . . .

. . . for I have sinned. No wait I am not Catholic and therefore cannot hail mary my way out of this. I do have a confession though.

So in my Skinny Panties blog I said that I had had a crappy week with the exception of the Jann Arden Concert on Wednesday night (thanks Shannon!). My week has been an emotional roller coaster of sorts. You see, there was a chance I was preggers again, and as it has turned out that isn't the case. Monday night when I was sitting with our group to talk about the Liver Detox it was the absolute last place I wanted to be. Not because of you girls, but because of how my body was feeling and where I was emotionally.

You see I was having symptoms of being pregnant. Absolutely crazy off the wall dreams, tiredness that would make your eyes pop out, no energy even during the day after my workouts and anger, uncontrollable anger. I guess this happened in my pregnancy with Sophie. Etienne said one day I was a nice, happy wife and the next day I was a bitch. It lasted until the end of the first trimester and the old me returned. I kept asking myself - Was I ready for this? Were we ready for this? Once I realized that I wouldn't need to find those answers, I knew. Yes I was ready for this and it made me sad that it wasn't going to happen.

So all week I have been truly questioning why I was still doing this Detox. I haven't done green juice all week - just couldn't be bothered. In the afternoons I wasn't hungry either so I didn't really miss it until I had to do the Aloe Vera Juice shot each afternoon. GAG! Today's with juice was much better.

I had enough morning juice from when I juiced on Tuesday to get me to today. I am tired of chicken and turkey, and fish for meats (Sorry guys, I have had an aversion to lamb since my last pregnancy). I want bread, bread and more bread. I didn't even eat that much bread before we started but it is the one thing I have constantly craved since starting, that and red meat.

So I tested myself tonight, we went out for dinner to a local establishment. When looking at the menu for myself I realized I was scanning for those things that would fit in with the program. Not a lot of selection I must say. Yes the salad would have filled the void nicely but yet I didn't have it. I had fajitas. I ate one tortilla with chicken, rice, vegis, tomatoes and lettuce. I refused the sour cream and cheese, and then left the rest of the tortillas in the container. It was good but I didn't need or want another. Instead I finished the lettuce, tomatoes, chicken and vegis and had a bit more rice - I know carbs and protein. I left the restaurant feeling full and proud that I had stopped at just one tortilla.

On our drive home I realized that developing a healthier lifestyle is important to me. We only have a week and half to go on the Liver Detox before we can start slowly incorporating certain components back into our food choices. I do have to say that I will definitely look at my food choices much differently from here on in.

Skinny Panties

Okay, so I will say that even though I am still miffed with the Goodlife and the ($*#&$*# the pulled before Christmas with my old trainer, I am beginning to get used to my new one and well she isn't as bad as I thought. Mind you she just doesn't stop talking which is kind of annoying when you are doing plank (which frankly is hard enough on its own) and getting asked small talk questions? Hey trainer - I need to focus otherwise I will end up face down on the mat. Come on!!!

So it also appears that I have some damage in my left knee which I was told to go and get a diagnosis on. This kind of sucks because it is making it really hard for me to do a lot of the leg exercises I should be doing. It really hurts. I knew there was something going on with it about a year ago but it comes and goes. The last couple of weeks have really made it worse or more aggravated because I am really being pushed during my training sessions.

And I have to say it is working - when I weighed in today because my day is Friday, I noticed that I have now lost 9 pounds in this Detox/Better Lifestyle Journey! Yeah me. I also put on a pair of heels today that I bought back in November for a wedding. I love these shoes and when I put them on today just because I wanted to wear them around my house - they fit. No need to stretch them out, they just fit!

I also put on what I call my skinny panties - I know strange. I have a bunch of big panties (my "fat pants"), that I was wearing before I got pregnant with Sophie and then of course these were the only ones that fit during and after, until now. Who knew how good putting on my skinny panties would make me feel especially after the week I have had, which with the exception of the Jann Arden concert Wednesday night, I would gladly like to forget and move forward.

Balance

Balance. I struggle with balance every single day. I have inner ear issues and a condition called BPPV (Benign Paroxsymal Positional Vertigo. This is when the crystal in your inner ear get trapped down in the inner canals where they aren't supposed to be. Thing is I have exercises that a vestibular therapist has taught me do on my own when I have an attack. It usually takes about a day for recovery but I can live with that.

My lack of core strength has also caused balance issues over the past two years. By doing this Detox and working out with my trainer regularly I am working to fix this balance issue too.

The one that I struggle with most is the life/work balance issues. To me life is all the fun stuff I do with my daughter and family. This really isn't a struggle because I see the joy that it brings her. I feel the happiness in my heart and soul that comes from watching her and being with her as she explores and discovers the world around her. Sophie is an adventurous toddler who is also very independent and I do struggle with how to keep her safe without smothering her and not letting her learn on her own. That is coming as she and I spend more time together learning from each other.

My real struggle comes from being a stay at home mom, and wanting to play and teach my daughter yet the work issues in keeping up with the laundry, making meals, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning and eventually getting to the point where I can declutter and sort things out, don't seem to take of themselves. Where are the cleaning fairies, trolls and unicorns when you need them?

Now I have to admit that I am a bit of a pack rat. I come by it honestly, I come from a long line of pack rats. I was only 12 and I can still remember how long and hard it was to sort through my grandmothers apartment after she died. And when my parents moved from the farm where I grew up two years ago, the packing, sorting and decluttering was horrendous. The fights between parents who rarely fight, having to be the peacekeeper and "adult" in the room that week leading up to the move is probably the hardest thing I have ever done - and imagine being eight months pregnant at the time. I swore after the move that I would go home and start decluttering my life and getting rid of things I don't need, use or want anymore. I am still waiting for that day to happen.

It isn't even the decluttering that gets to me most. Everyday I try to have a plan of what I want to try and get done. Some days I am successful and knock a couple of things off the list. Other days it is a disaster zone in my house. Right now I know there is at least three loads of laundry needing to be done, the dishes are piled across the counter because I haven't done them since last night, supper needs to started and as it is 4 p.m., it is that time of the day when Sophie really wants me to play with her. I am lucky that I have a child who is very good at playing on her own, but there are too many times when I say "Just one more thing Sophie, and mommy will be there to play." Well then something else always comes up.

Even as I sit here and type I am thinking of all the fun and not so fun things I could and should be doing. I know that I will eventually sort this out and determine what works for us. In the meantime, if I win the lottery, I like Shannon am hiring Peter Walsh to come and help me sort out my clutter and I will hire the necessary people to help me around the house so that I can do what I want to do most - spend time with my beautiful daughter and family without the guilt.

Yuck!

Yesterday, despite being tired from our issues with sleep over the last week, I still felt great. Today, and as I write this, I feel like absolute crap. Today was definitely better than yesterday food wise, but last night I had the weirdest sleep. I was soooooo tired. I actually woke up at one point and said to Etienne (after he had just crawled back into bed) "Is that Sophie crying? Has she been crying long?" He said I didn't even wait for his response and was back to sleep instantly. Oops!

I even had an hour and half nap this afternoon and it is 7:44 and I can't wait to get back to bed. I know that Sophie was fighting a fever yesterday but I really thought it was teething related. Maybe it was more than that. I guess we will have to see how the next couple of days go.

Good night everyone. Here's hoping tonight's sleep is a little more normal.

Day 11

Well hard to believe that it is Day 11 in this Detox already. I was just settling onto the couch to post an update and my dear hubby walked through the door - 2:04 p.m. what a nice surprise. Sophie is also asleep and hopefully down for a good long winter's nap. She certainly needs it today - she has had a fever since this morning and has a very sore mouth. Poor little Peanut. I hope she is better soon.

So in 11 days what have I learned - the first thing that pops into my head is that I really like Peppermint Tea. I am just waiting for my current cup to steep and cool a little. Oh little minty pleasure, I can't wait.

What else have I learned? My favourite juice combination is strawberry, pineapple, clementine and grape!!! My favourite green juice combination is carrots, apples, cilantro and kale. Goat Cheese is yummy but if you eat too much of it in one day, you will suffer the consequences. Eventually those consequences will pass (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) but it will take time.

I think the one thing that I knew but hadn't incorporated into my life was food preparation. I have prepped veggi's ready to go in the fridge for lunch, snacks and supper. It makes times like today when I didn't get lunch until after 1 p.m. a lot easier. I didn't even have to think about what to make, and the stress was gone.

I am also pleasantly surprised that eating fruit only in the morning makes me feel so much better for the rest of the day. And who knew it, but I am actually beginning to like black coffee. I sprinkle cinnamon on my grinds before brewing and I really think it helps to cut the bitterness. Who knew!!

I, like some of the other girls, have also noticed that I have more patience these days than ever before. Which is good, because the last few days have really pushed these to the limit. I know this to will pass and my happy-go-lucky child will return, and I know this is something she must go through as she develops and grows. I also know it won't be the worst thing that will ever happen in her life to make her upset, but as a parent I want to voraciously protect my child and keep the pain away. HEY MOM - I GET IT NOW!

Overall, on top of feeling better, and my clothes fitting better, I really feel like I can tackle some of the more difficult things that need to be tackled - like decluttering this house and creating a household budget. LADIES - I am so proud of our group for sticking to this and sticking together to get through the rough patches. A real sense of accomplishment ladies, a real sense of accomplishment.

PS. To Tim Horton's - could you possibly stop running the Wheel of Donuts commercial for the next two weeks. I still really want one every time I see it. Thanks.

Dear Mommy . . .

I know that you love me very much. Know that I love you very much too! I know that the last few days have been particularly hard for us both, especially at night, because of something you call molars. To me it feels like there are big mountains errupting in my mouth and this has been waking me up in the middle of the night because it hurts so bad.

Thank you for being so patient with me though and letting me snuggle with you so that I feel safe, loved and not scared. But don't think I haven't noticed your tears too at 3 in the morning when we have been up for an hour already and you know it will be at least one more before I can get back to sleep. I also know that last night was hard. I have to admit, getting to sleep with you until daddy came home was way more fun than sleeping in my own bed. But when I was going to sleep my mouth hurt so bad.

Don't worry I didn't let daddy off the hook at 12 when he tried to put me in my bed so he didn't have to sleep on the floor again, like at Grandmaman's in December. And when I had to get you up at 2:30 to come comfort me again it was because my mouth hurt and I wanted to feel the steadiness of your breath to help me calm down and go back to sleep. You have to admit I did go back to sleep after only an hour last night, though I did get you up at 6:30 this morning. What can I say, I couldn't wait to see you again. ;)

I really hope that these molar things and my eye teeth? finish up real soon. Because like you, I need a goodnight's sleep too. What is with hitting the gym so much these days lady? Are you trying to wear me out so I will nap? I see through you plan. Hehehe!

Mommy - just remember one small little thing. I LOVE YOU!

Love Sophie

What do I want for myself this summer?

Carol asked us to answer this question yesterday. My first response was the following - I want to be gone with the headaches that usually keep me house bound on the beautiful days of the summer. I want to play outside with Sophie and work on my gardens without getting winded after 10 minutes. Like the others I want a new summer wardrobe or at least cute tops! When I go to the local wading pool I don't want to feel self concious. I also want to sit in and by Shannon's pool and celebrate with my friends.

I realize that though I want each of these things there is one more thing that just didn't make it onto the list - I want to be pregnant with our second child.

Now we have been asked to answer the following questions - What are you willing to do to make your dreams come true? What are you willing to sacrifice to make all of this happen for you?

Now that I have a toddler I realize even more today, how important it is to develop healthy eating habits. When I was 5 or 6, my mom made fried eggs for me for breakfast because in a family of five it is easier to make one kind than different kinds for everyone. She sat my plate down in front of me and put ketchup on it thinking that would encourage me to eat it. Well, it is just recently that I have actually started eating fried eggs or sunnyside up. The yolk on its own always grossed me out. A fight at the table ensued where I was forced to take a few bites. After that I immediately went into the washroom and threw it back up. My mother has actually admitted that she wondered if I had a life of bulimia in front of me. Well that certainly hasn't been the case because I certainly do love food - mostly that which is extremely bad for me (can anyone say BIG MAC)! Well that needs to change - NOW!

What am I willing to do to make my dreams come true? What am I will to sacrifice to make this happen for me?

Goal #1 - BE ACTIVE! I will continue to go to the gym to workout two to three times a week - whether that be treadmill, weights or hitting a class. Since returning last fall to the gym, I realize how much better I feel, how much more energy I have and how much better I sleep when I do. I will encourage Sophie to be active with me, whether that is running around the backyard, weeding the garden, going to the pool for a swim or just dancing in the livingroom.

Goal #2 - WATCH WHAT I EAT AND WHEN! This Detox has been good for me because I woke me out of the food stuper I have been in since giving birth. Once we have completed the full session with the Liver Detox, I will continue to tweak and create a food lifestyle that is best for me and my body. As getting rid of my headaches is my number one thing, I will continue to track when they hit. I have noticed a return to the pattern that they are tied to my cycle, which they mainly were before I got pregnant. If that is the case I need to determine what my body is lacking nutrionally and add it back in to my diet.

With these two pieces in place I will no doubt be able to fulfill the rest of my original list. As for being pregnant, again both of these goals will hopefully help that happen. If not though, Goal #3 - not to get stressed about it. What is meant to be will be.

Enough said . . .

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are.. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us..

My love/hate relationship with my scale!

So before I started this detox I would occassionally get on the scale to see if things were good, bad or ugly. Usually they would end up on the ugly end of the scale but oh well! Now that I have seen some decrease I am obsessed with what that little piece of electronics that sits quietly mocking me under my bathroom sink,says.

In fact I was so obsessed that one day last week I got on it at four different times during the day! Four times. Who needs to get on a scale four times in one day. Well obviously I did but why? I asked myself that the next day when I remembered what I had done and realized that maybe I have a problem. There I said it - the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

So the question is why? I like the feeling of success I get when I get on the scale and the number is down. To me, that is a better feeling than my tops, or bras or pants fitting better (which they are by the way) or me even just feeling healthier with more energy. I also think I was checking throughout the day to see what the scale said after certain points of the day with different clothing combinations. I know - CRAZY!, but I couldn't help it.

What I have realized in writing this is that, even though I know I shouldn't put so much weight on what the scale says, it is still important to me and how I see myself. Numbers going down mean success. But maybe I can be more normal about how many times a week I check to see how I am doing. Still, I must remember that if the number stalls or goes up, I need to give myself a little break from the scale. Why? Because if it doesn't go down I will get frustrated and mad with myself and quit! End of story. I have done Weight Watchers three times and I "failed" because the number didn't go down the way they wantede them too, even though I was working out, eating better, feeling better and my clothes were fitting way better.

An aside - A month ago I was in my last Pilates session with that trainer at the gym (long story but I am still mad at Goodlife for getting rid of her). I started working out again back in September (to me that is the beginning of the year - not January for some reason) because I knew I needed to do this for me and for Sophie. Working out during the day is great because I can drop the Peanut in child minding and go have time for myself (Lisa that is the only way I get it in most days).

Anyway, I digress. I am working out with Jeanie and I look at her after doing a rather difficult move and say "WOW! Two months ago I would never have thought that move would be easy to do!" I was so impressed with what I had accomplished, I came home that night and showed my hubby who was also impressed because his stomach muscles are missing too!

Today as I sit here I am sure that that move would once again be difficult to do but I remember how good it felt to have stomach strength after 15 months of no strength, so on the off days that I am not at the gym with my new trainer (who is a drill sargeant - not as bad a Jillian yet) I resolve to head into my basement and attempt to get back into Pilates (which I realized I really miss). I also realized that when I was working out in the fall - I would only get on the scale once a week to see how things were going! Hhhhhmmmmmm! Maybe, just maybe, myscrewed up relationship with my scale could be normal again.

I want a donut!

I haven't really craved sweets much since starting and then all of a sudden today I just want a donut. It doesn't even matter what kind, I just want one, well maybe two or three. I don't think I could stop if I started, so instead I sit here eating my pre-supper apple and drink my water and try to think up more exciting recipes I can cook for my family.

I bought a bag of Rice Flour at the grocery store the other day. My next recipe search will be for dishes that use rice flour. That is the one thing I have realized in the last 6 days of detoxing - I truly love hunting for that incredible recipe and then can't wait to try it out. Or for that fact, taking one that is tried and true and adjusting it so that it works for us today.

I think I had forgotten how much I love to cook even though it does get boring and routine for me some days. (The fight scene of Bridget Jones is just on - ah classic!!)I pledge to try to find a new recipe once a week! Wish me luck!

Day 4 & 5- January 8/9, 2010

Still feeling good even though I had a killer of a headache that hit just after dinner last night. Went from 0 to 60 in 3.2 seconds! Hence why my notes from day 3 just kind of drop off. Ended up taking an Advil around midnight and it seems to be gone today! Cross our fingers. Got on the scale - no change - but that is okay!

It appears I really didn't journal anything in my note book about these two days but I know it is in my email.

Day 4
Hey friends! Sorry I have been out of touch! Life has been very busy the last two days and yesterday well I was so grumpy in the morning (Shannon can attest to that) that I just wanted to hibernate.

I am so proud of everyone. What we are doing is not easy but we are doing this to be better us'! Every now and then when I want to cave, Sophie gives me a pep talk (at least this is what I pretend she is doing when she goes on a ramblefest - so cute). I am craving bread and crackers of all things and I don't even eat that much of them.

Last night for supper I made myself homemade fresh spring rolls (rice noodles, rice paper wrappers, cucumber, carrots, bean sprouts) and natural wasabi ( I found at Sobeys). It was good but I needed a dip - lying in bed I thought you could mix almond butter with rice vinegar but don't have any of the latter. Next trip to the grocery store I guess.

What I am starting to do is figure out the day before what I am going to make the next day, that way if I don't have the items in the house I can run out to the grocery store (though getting tired of that - and I love the grocery store. I suspect it is all the stuff I want to get (like bread!)). I have also done prep on my vegis so they are ready to go.

Today was good but it required planning - we had little gym this morning and I needed to make sure I had enough fuel to keep up. I did a shot of coconut oil this morning to help fuel me more. I still didn't eat lunch - leftover springrolls - until 1 which is way too late. I tucked into vegis and hummus this afternoon and that was yummy.

Here is my recipe for the week - Stuffed tomatoes and Peppers with Garlic and Herb Goat Cheese Feta.

I browned ground chicken with onions and garlic and then added vegis - carrots, green pepper, cauliflower, celery. I cored the tomatoes and green pepper and then stuffed the chicken mixture inside. I topped a couple of them with the Garlic and Herb Goat Cheese Feta I found at No Frills today. They baked for 1/2 hour at 375 and were yummy. It was easy to make and while I was cooking I ate my apple and water. We just gave Sophie the chicken mixture and peas and she was a happy girl. I also have in the oven right now tomatoes which I am roasting so that I can make Chili tomorrow in the slow cooker. I have leftovers of the Chicken mixture which I will throw in to the pot.

Day 5
Hey all. I think the frustration has finally hit for me. I woke up feeling bloated and gross this morning after four mornings of feeling great when I got up. I also got on the scale this morning and it was up enough to make me want to throw in the towel. I think I did okay yesterday - water, apple, breakie was a banana, juice around 9 and then fruit all morning, stuffed tomato at lunch with ground chicken, green juice in the afternoon around 2, almonds to snack on and then turkey chili for supper and as we ate at 4:30 yesterday I had vegis and hummus around 630 because I was hungry again. I will watch what I eat after supper if we eat that early again and reverse the hummus and vegis in the afternoon and almonds at night.

It may have had something to do with my night - I was up with Sophie from 11:50 to 1:15 and then as I was going to let her cry it out, Etienne took over and she finally settled to sleep around 2 but of course I was lying awake trying to figure out what is causing these 2 hour weekly little stints. Then she started crying in her sleep from about 5:15 to 7:15 when she did wake up for the day, so I had sporadic sleep from then. Sophie also had quite a big spill yesterday, though she is fine, my mom guilt is in overdrive still.

We have just had breakfast - this morning I had banana and clementines (2) cut up. Yum I am having my coffee early today as I am a little tired. I probably should have had the tea first but caffeine was on my mind. I am going to push through today but I think I need to refocus myself. Sophie and I also need to get out of this house today. I am feeling a little cabin feverish and I know that isn't helping either.

Be Strong and wishing each of you a fantastic day!

Day 3 - January 7, 2010

Day 3 - well that is good. Day 2 was hard but again I wake up feeling better, less bloated, lighter and more energetic. Better night sleep last night and not up until after 7 am. Yeah Peanut!! Also, I am down 2.4 more pounds! Double Yeah!

Wakeup routine - check

For breakie I had banana and clementines! I also had an extra CO in the am as we had a gym class to go to for the Peanut and I needed to make sure I had the energy to keep up! Had my juice and Chia (which I have been having since day 1) while Peanut and I went to the grocery store again. Yes again. Something about eating 3 apples a day and putting it in juice that you go through them pretty fast. I picked up some ground chicken and turkey and fresh basil and some regular stuff for my house so they wouldn't starve.

Once we got home we started the lunch routine - water, apple and then had leftovers from day 2 supper of spring rolls. Still forgot to get the rice wine vinegar. I had vegis and hummus in the afternoon along with my green juice - which was carrots, celery, parsley, cilantro and apple (I think).Supper was Tomatoes and Green Peppers stuffed with ground chicken and vegis. It was yummy too.

Uusual evening routine and off to bed. Will see what tomorrow holds.

Day 2 - January 6, 2010

Well woke up feeling lighter but 5:20 am is just too early to be awake! Fortunately I got the Peanut back to sleep for about another hour but I have to say I was a super grump for most of the day. But on a good note I was down 2 pounds!!!! What!

Water, Apple, D3 and Sea Power - Check
Breakfast - Banana and Tea - Check - I need to eat more at breakie! I snacked on Pear throughout the morning and that helped.
Juice which I made enough for 2 days (cleaning my juicer is not fun) consisted of clementine, grapefruit, apple and grapes (YUMMY!)
Black coffee - Check - I also put cinnamon in with my grounds and it was good! Cut the bitterness.
Lunch - Salad with chicken and vinagrette. I didn't actually get to finish my salad becasue all of a sudden the Peanut decided she was in need of a nap. Wasn't really hungry though.
Afternoon - I added apple to my green juice from the day before and it was better!
Supper - I made fresh vegi spring rolls with rice noodles (really little ones), rice paper wrappers, carrots, and cucumber. I would definitely add Cilantro next time and create a dipping sauce from Almond Butter and Rice Wine Vinegar.
CO and Tea as required!

As Wednesday is my long day - hubby is out - I went to bed soon after getting the Peanut to bed.

Day 1 - January 5, 2010

I have to say that initially I was really skeptical of doing this detox. Would it be something I could stick to? When you receive a shopping list that includes things like kale, dandelion greens, bok choy, well for me anyway, the negative voice in my head goes off and says- "Yeah right, you are going to do this". I could even hear the sarcastic laughter. But this year was going to be different, as my New Year's Resolution I decided to try and turn the negative voice in my head off and be more positive and stay in the present.

Day 1 - January 5, 2010 - Everyone else started on the 4th but I needed to get some groceries and make sure my juicer worked. I was unwell over New Year's Eve and was finally feeling better when we met on the 3rd to go over the program. I also think I needed an extra day to reread everything, make notes and get myself mentally prepared or as prepared as I could possibly be.

I have to say Day 1 for me went quite well, despite getting on the scale and seeing a number that horrified me! Oh well you have to start somewhere.

Water, Apple and D3 tabs, no Sea Power as the store was out. After my 1/2 hour wait I had a banana and strawberries and half a pear for breakie. I also fit in my Peppermint Tea and a black cup of coffee. My juice that morning consisted of clementines, grapefruit, and apple. My daugther also went down for a nap so I joined her (good idea).

Lunch was late because I had to return to the grocery store for things I couldn't get the night before! GRRRRR! But I had my water and apple and then for lunch a big green salad with chicken. I created a vinagrette of Balsamic vinegar, olive oil, garlic, dry mustard (just a pinch) and pesto seasoning from Epicure. I thought I would miss the croutons but surprisingly no! Had lots of other crunch instead. Followed that with the Coconut Oil and Peppermint Tea.

Green Juice - well not my favourite but I tried - carrots, kale, parsley and dandelion greens. Yuck! I snacked on almonds in the afternoon and for supper had baked chicken with Holiday Seasoning and stirfry vegi's. Followed that up with CO and tea and went to bed as soon as the Peanut was in bed! We will see how we feel tomorrow.

Am I really blogging?

Well, this is a first for me. For a long time I have wanted to set up a blog but never did it. Why is this particular Sunday morning in January different. Well, it is just time and besides all my friends on the detox are doing it so why shouldn't I at least try!

I will add more later about how my first five days of the CALM MUM DETOX have gone but first I need to have some breakie.